Harry Homocidal
by MKL
Summary: harry goes on an all-out killing spree that starts with him thinking his friends have turned into hedwig, who he killed when she attacked him...dont think this is some deep psychological journey, its just hilarious! woot! violence is funny!
1. the first few kills

Author note: *ahem* I'm one of the authors of this really nuts story. Errr don't mind all the typos, we wrote this at three a.m. I'm not sure what we had been smoking to be able to write something this weird, freaky and perverted.(we don't actually smoke, at least I think we don't...)heh this is gonna go on its own site soon, along with the comic version! Woohoo! The comic version is so funny...getting off topic! Enjoy harry homicidal, and please review!  
  
Disclaimer: don't own harry potter  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
  
Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was currently gnawing his arms off with his bare teeth. Or he was, until he woke up. He had always had weird dreams.  
  
He fell asleep again, this time dreaming that he was wearing a large, feathery hat, and a long green overcoat, a bunch of women in skimpy clothing were standing there, he waved a cane at them, yelling. He then woke up gasping, "shit..."  
  
What the fuck's going on with my mother-fuckin' brain? First the oral sex with Draco, then the Snape-is-my-father (how clichéd, you damn fanfic bastards), then the Hermione having an affair with Ginny (whoa, that's new), now a pimp dream! How fucked-up am I? Harry only kept thinking to kill not Draco, but his ass-of-a-father.  
  
Harry quickly entertained a thought of sending the news of his weird- ass dreams to Dumbledore, until he realized these weren't really those kinds of dreams...or were they? He shook his head and told himself he was being too paranoid. Why would Voldemorts plan of attack involve strange pairings or him as a pimp. He had to admit, though, an armless Harry would be less of a threat to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.  
  
He was scared to fall asleep again. What was taking over his mind? Was he finally turning perverted like most of the boys at his school, Hogwarts? All of a sudden his owl lunged at his head, shrieking. A face was at the window and it was telling Hedwig to kill, KILL! Harry beat Hedwig against the wall until she was a bloody, unconscious mass. "What the fuck is your problem ass-bird?" he murmered kicking the bloody bundle. He looked to the window but the face was gone.  
  
Who's the mother-fuckin ass? He couldn't help thinking that as he looked at the window. Strangely, the bed sharing the window was Dean's bed. Perhaps it was him? Hmmm......nah! Can't be! He has nothing against me.  
  
Or maybe he does  
  
"Who the fuck's saying that?"  
  
Ron's jealously is very common among the male Gryffindors  
  
"Who are you? Show ya ass like a man!"  
  
I'm you, in a sexist, racist, and lust way.  
  
"Ya not fuckin serious!"  
  
Oh, I am, dear, and you know it.  
  
"Whatever" he mumbled as he stumbled back.(ooo rhyming) He was always irritated right after he woke up. But instead of heading for his bed, he sat down in a convenient armchair and stared at the occupants of the dormitory. Who could have done it?? Well, besides Voldemort. Somehow owls didn't seem to be Voldemort's style. He would have sent in death eaters before gracing Harry with his presence and trying to kill him. No, voldemort wasn't likely.  
  
Clean up the owl before you're found out.  
  
"Shut up" Harry mumbled, he nudged Hedwig and she stirred and slowly sat up, one of her eyes popped out. "Eww, you are fuckin ugly, bitch." he slammed Hedwig against the wall three more times before her skull broke and she died, he threw her body out the window just as Ron woke up. He saw a quick flash of jealousy in Ron's eyes before Ron said good morning. Harry got dressed and waited for him. They went down to the common room and left through the portrait hole, they went down to breakfast.  
  
Wow! Was Hedwig resurrected as Ron or something? Cuz all the sudden I get this huge-ass size of the ugly dead owl in Ron's clothing. Only one thing to do:  
  
KILL!!!  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"DIE UGLY BITCH, DIE!!!!! WHY ARE YOU BACK?!?!? YOU WANT MORE CRAZY- ASS BITCH?!?!? I'LL BRING IT IN MORE BITCHY-OWL!!!!!! DIE FUCKING OWL- BITCH, DIE!!!!!  
  
Unfortunately, Harry never knew he stabbed Ron with his pocket knife. His clothing was covered with blood. Harry hid the body in a nearby closet. Fortunately, it was Filch's closet. The teachers soon found the body, and sent Filch to Azkaban. So basically, it was a happy ending after all.  
  
At least, that's what he thought.  
  
Did you like? We think its funny(we being me, M and L)im the only one who's really working on this anymore, M and L are lazy bums, they don't even help with the comic T_T. I should sic Harry on them...but oh well. Review, or harry's comin after you. 


	2. 6 and counting

CHAPTER TWO 6 and counting  
  
Unfortunately, Harry's troubles were only just beginning. Hermoine interrogated him relentlessly on Ron's death. Harry glared at her over his cornflakes, and tried to figure out whether or not she was also Hedwig. He decided to kill her too, just in case. After the screaming stopped, he decided to flush her down a toilet. After the staff discovered her body, Moaning Myrtle was brought into custody for questioning.  
  
Harry listened as they questioned her as to why Hermione's body was clogging the drain for the toilet. They kicked Myrtle out, and she slumped off, crying her ass off. Harry giggled and thought, I need to see more bloodshed... So he wandered around and found Neville.  
  
He brought Neville to an empty hallway, telling him that he had a lot of secret candy. While Neville looked through a bag for candies, Harry pulled out a long, sharp butcher's knife and stabbed him in the back; Neville lay on the floor weeping until Harry lifted him up with winguardium leviosa and slammed him into the wall until his corpse fell to the floor, the face smashed in. Harry took the body to his dormitory and threw it out the window, he watched as it hit Hedwig's rotting body. Maybe life would be better if he had a dead fucked-up owl for a friend. The DFF(Dead Friends Forever) now. Who's next?  
  
All alone in the Slytherin Common Room, Draco Malfoy was adoring himself in front of mirrors everywhere (summoned and bought from other Slytherins). Usually when he's alone, Handsome Draco adores "Draco Jr.".  
  
"Oh yea! I'm too sexy for my pants! Hell! I'm too sexy for my clothing ya'll fanfic writers!!!"  
  
So there Draco was, standing alone and modeling naked. Little did he know that someone else was there at that very moment.  
  
"DIE MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What? Who said that? Show ya face!"  
  
Unfortunately, Draco never saw the murderer's face. Only "Draco Jr." had.  
  
"Hey"  
  
Who ever knew that his ego can talk?  
  
"Hey. YOU'RE the mother fucker bastard!!!! You just jealous of my sexaaaaay attire!! How the fuck you got into the SLYTHERIN Common Room?"  
  
"Honestly!" said Harry," How clichéd can Slytherins be? Death Eater *snort*"  
  
Then Harry took his trusty knife and stabbed Draco everywhere. Then he separated his "junior" and threw it to the corpses of Neville and Hedwig.  
  
Soon after the untimely demise of Draco "the draco" Malfoy, Harry heard that Hagrid was suspected of foul play, after dead bodies were found on his grounds. Fuck that, he thought. He decided to spare Hagrid the torment of Azkaban, and kill him himself. After leaving the scene of the crime, he realized he was late for class! He couldn't have that, now, could he?? As he meandered through the hallways, students moved aside quickly, as he was giggling a bit too much, and his eyes had a strange glint. It must be exams coming up they thought. Not to mention the deaths of his friends. Poor Harry. Little did they know that he was at the center of it all. 


	3. death of an enemy

CHAPTER THREE  
  
The teachers were a bit suspicious after Harry was late to class the day of Hagrid's death.  
  
While contemplating this he noticed how much Dean annoyed him, with his soccer posters and crazy-eyed look. When they were finally alone one day, Harry whipped out his knife and stabbed Dean ten times in the face, then stomped on his head, laughing hysterically as the blood sprayed over everything. He threw the body out the door and killed the person (Seamus) it hit. He took both corpses and sat them in common room chairs, putting books on their laps and hats on their heads. He sat on the steps and quietly giggled as a person walked in and screamed at the sight of the two lover's (yes, they're now lovers) corpses. What fun this is! I must see more! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
As his new urge of bloodshed continues, he longed to do this. To kill an adult. Not just any adult. Snape. He had a plan for this.  
  
As he could've done, He would've say something "disturbing" for Malfoy and get his teacher to assign detention in a snap. If Malfoy wasn't dead, he could be happy that the moment has come. Ron would've been so proud, but he's also dead.  
  
Alright, Harry thought, I can get detention from Snape. It's so easy!! Snape didn't seem to miss the many deceased students at all. Harry wasn't suprised.When he was called on to recite the three properties of dragon scales, he replied "Fuck you, bitch!" and giggled. Snape eagerly gave him detention. Harry applauded himself for his wonderful use of profanity, and promptly blew up his potion, which got him another detention. He giggled louder, which caused another one. Now he was cackling. Snape gave up, and left it at three. He just couldn't stand seeing the Potter boy for any longer. In addition he had a date with Minerva McGonagall tonight. He didn't want to look bad.  
  
Harry sat through his first detention giggling like a madman. Snape eyed him curiously, wondering if the boy's mind had snapped.  
  
Harry followed Snape out the door and stalked him to Professor McGonagall's office, and then as Snape turned his back, he leaped at McGonagall and stabbed her between the eyes, then in the neck. Snape whipped around and Harry pushed him into the burning fireplace, Snape yelped, screaming as his body was eaten by the flames. Harry stabbed him to ensure that he was dead. He dragged the corpses out the door and hid them in Professor Dumbledore's office. He ran out and quietly followed Dumbledore back in to see him gasp at the bodies. Harry ran out and leaped for joy:  
  
This is pure bliss! How I love my life! And the fact that I am still alive.  
  
After grinning evilly in the empty hall, he spotted a simple girl. Some who's never been focused on. Now it was his own and no one else's target. So simple, but yet gotta kill. Harry's target was indeed, Ginny Weasley. 


	4. kill the innocents!

CHAPTER FOUR  
  
"Hey Gin!"  
Ginny's best friend (in Gryffindor, that is), Colin Creevey, is indeed not popular, but at least he's not gay. (In this fic, he'll not be gay. Sorry peeps).  
"You forgot your book"  
Ginny took the book. She learned to control her sadness for her brother, Ron. He didn't deserve to die like that. Filch didn't had to express his hatred toward students, finally slaying one.  
"Hey Colin! Thanks!" said Ginny quickly. Harry was walking by with that weird look in his eyes again. Ginny and Colin snuck out of the room.  
Harry, however, was plotting his attack. He decided that killing Colin may be necessary, which only made this plan more exciting. Another double homicide! Harry wondered if he'd ever catch who had sent Hedwig that fateful night. He decided that he didn't care now, and that killing was too much fun for a reason. He cackled insanely, which by now, was a normal occurrence. He was the only person in the dormitory. People were learning.  
  
That night, Harry sat in the common room, hiding behind and chair and grinning as Ginny and Colin walked into the room together. Ginny sat down and Colin started jabbering to her. She nodded at random times, her eyes always sad. You'll join your brother soon enough. Harry thought, as he stood up, surprising Ginny and Colin, he jumped towards them laughing and smiling. He popped out his knife and stabbed Ginny through the head, the blade going through it and into Colin's. It didn't go in his head enough but he stalled just long enough for Harry to rip out his spinal cord with a shovel. Using the spine as a cane, he towed the corpses and threw them in the fire. He poked at them for a while, and then threw in the spine. He laughed all the way to his bed, thinking about the bodies, shriveled and burned, lying in the fireplace. This image put him to sleep. 


	5. random victims and the finale

CHAPTER FIVE  
  
Dumbledore's not a dumbass. So he noticed the pattern of the slaying. Unusual detached owl, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Draco, Hagrid, Seamus, Dean, Professor Snape, Professor Mcgonagall, Ginny, Colin....they all had a connection with a certain boy but who?...  
  
Dumbledore walked around the office with a sudden expression.  
  
Harry...wow! No shit Sherlock! Why the hell I never thought of the goody two-shoes bastard!  
  
Then he turned to his desk. Time for some lemon drops.  
  
But little did Albus Dumbledore know that he was not the only person to enter his office that day, and his lemon drops weren't the best things for him at the moment. Or ever, as they were poisoned, by Harry himself. Harry, ducking behind a potted plant, watched with glee as the famed headmaster of Hogwarts made his demise. He was giggling again, and he snorted as the body before him twitched. This was the best one yet!  
  
Harry was extremely pleased; he had stomped on the dead Dumbledore's body, wondering if they would get a new headmaster. He now sat in the dormitory room, thinking about all the people he had killed and how much they really had annoyed him. He walked out of the Gryffindor common room and killed a person whom he did not know. He looked at the blood spread across the ground and collected it, pouring it all over his next random victim. He then used the bloody corpse to whack his third random victim to death.  
  
Suddenly, thunder was heard, and the lights went out. A cloaked figure appeared in the doorway. A voice was heard.  
"Stop the MADNESS, Harry! I, Lord Voldemort, beg you to!!"  
  
"Yea, sure Voldie. And Britney Spears' a virgin. Oh just give the shit up!"  
  
"You...called...me...VOLDIE!!!!!!"Voldie *ahem* I mean Voldermort's face grew redder by the second, "Grrr....you fuckin' DIE mother fucka!!!!!!!"  
  
"Don't go that way, Vo-d'oh. I will go oprah on ya ass"  
  
"Bring it on man-bitch"  
  
"Okay I will man-whore"  
  
Voldemort was about to pull out his wand....Only to discover that he had misplaced it. The time he wasted frantically looking for his wand gave Harry enough time to throw a knife at his reptilian head. Lord Voldemort was dead in a heartbeat.  
  
Later, when the body was found, Harry was hailed as a hero (again) even though his giggling made everyone nervous. Soon, he rode off into the sunset on his firebolt, his trusty knife in hand, ready for the next kill. 


End file.
